SPOILERS!

I WANT TO MAKE THIS PERFECTLY CLEAR: I CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE IF YOU READ A POSTING AND I TELL YOU THE ENDING. IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK OR SEEN THE MOVIE THAT I AM POSTING ABOUT, DO NOT READ THE POSTING. KTHNXBYE.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Transformers 4: Kinda Over This Franchise

This movie was just... ugh. There is no word to describe how I feel about it, merely a disgusted sound. It is so 'blah' that I can't even be bothered to remember the whole title. Age of Extinction? I think that's right, but who really cares anyway? The movie would have been much better had it not been for a few terrible characters. This is the story of Transformers Without Shia LaBeouf as it stands now:

Mark Whalberg is a hardworking American, living in Texas with his teenage hottie of a daughter. Before Markie Mark discovers Optimus Prime, the movie is about how he wants to shelter his daughter from boys and teenage pregnancy, basically that tired storyline of "I want you to have a better life than I did" that has been done to death in almost every single movie that has ever been made. We get it, try something new. So after an hour or so of Mark Whalberg, hot daughter, and this random surfer guy who is Mark's only friend and business partner, stuff finally starts happening. They discover Optimus Prime, the government finds out and starts hunting them down, Optimus Prime destroys stuff, yada yada yada. Then we discover that hot daughter has a secret boyfriend who happens to drive cars really well. While escaping The Fuzz, random surfer guy is killed by a robot alien working for the government to destroy all Transformers. Everyone is sad. At this point, we are about an hour and a half into this movie. So much stuff happens, tons of product placement and lame jokes later, the gang stumbles upon a technologically advanced company that used the broken bodies of the dead Transformers, Autobots and Decepticons alike, to engineer their own versions of the robot aliens. What a shocker, the robot they modeled using the head of Megatron cannot be controlled by humans. This robot is now Megatron reincarnated. Stanley Tucci is the genius responsible for these human-engineered Decepticons, he realizes his mistake much too late to stop it, and joins up with Mark Whalberg and his Funky Bunch. (I really should stop making references to Mark Whalbergs rap career, he was really the only good thing about this movie.) Anyway, the gang ends up in China and destroys a bunch of cities there instead of in America. Hot daughter gets taken by the aliens and it is now a race against time for Mark and secret boyfriend to get her back. Mark and secret boyfriend fight the whole time, they find hot daughter, they climb down some giant land anchors to the top of a big building and all the while hot daughter is complaining and I'm really hoping she falls. Pretty much everything else that happens is CGI madness, Optimus Prime wakes up the Dinobots (FINALLY) and they all defeat the human-engineered Decepticons.

This freakin' movie is almost three hours long. I left to get more soda somewhere in the middle and missed ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. There are a lot of moments that could have been trimmed. Here is how I would have edited this movie down:

No hot daughter and no secret boyfriend. They are nothing characters, they serve no purpose. Taking them out of the movie trims it down by at least 45 minutes. If the men in the audience really need someone hot to look at to keep their attention, it is obviously not a very good movie. If it's REALLY necessary, I would give Mark a tough-as-nails girlfriend, not someone who is going to whine and cry her way through the movie. I would keep Mark Whalberg just the way he is, I would even keep random surfer guy. I would change his character to not be a surfer guy, though. This is Texas. It's like someone took a guy from California and plopped him in the middle of a cornfield. I would keep his death, too. This would fuel Mark's involvement with Optimus Prime to help in defeating the alien menace. He would be like "Fuck it, I've got nothing left to lose." I would make Stanely Tucci's character much less of a douchebag. I mean he gets there in the end, but it takes far too long.

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